- Des
- (for it is he)
|
Hello and welcome to this week’s
exciting edition of ‘My Family’s costing me a fortune’, the game show that
does for quality TV what Mad Dog does for celibacy. (Huge roar
of laughter from hysterical audience). Let’s go and meet the families. (Des bounds across studio to sound of plinkety-plonk music).
This is the Youngstar family, who are captained by Malcolm, who tonight seems to be
wearing a most fashionable Zoot suit (snigger). So,
Malc, introduce me to your lovely family. |
| Malc |
Thanks Des. To my immediate left is my
Uncle Kevin, and next to him is my little nephew Dick, and at the end is our adopted son,
Bill. |
| Des |
Thanks Malc (still
trying not to laugh and Malc’s appalling dress sense). Now let’s go
and meet the Maddoge family. Simon, as head of the clan, introduce me to your team. |
| Dog |
Ta much Des. My team consists of, in no
particular order whatsoever, my second-cousin-twice-removed-with-a-bed-pan Graham, his
twin bro’ Gilly, and his wickedly crucial uncle Matt. |
| Dez |
Thanks Dog. Now let’s play of
‘My Family’s costing me a fortune’. (More
obnoxious music, drowned out by wild applause from studio audience). Malc,
Dog, hands on the buzzers. Here’s your first question. What is the most frightening
thing in the world? |
| Malc |
‘Buzzzzzz’.
Dick Bonney buying a round! (Roars of laughter from extremely pissed up audience). |
| Fez |
Let’s see. Computer, what does that
score? (‘Bing bong’ as
zero appears on scoreboard). Perhaps it’s because nobody’s ever seen
Dick actually get a round in in the first place? (Medics rush in
and take 2 people to hospital with acute stomach cramps due to laughing too much).
Dog, what do you think is the most frightening thing in the world? |
| Dog |
Brian Ahearn towelling himself down
after a shower. (Groans of disgust and horror and chucking up
from studio audience). |
| Fez |
Well, that scores a creditable 14
points. Do you want to play or pass? |
| MD |
We’ll play please, Fezy Boy. (More cringeing music as Fez bounds across the studio). |
| Tez |
Gilly, you must have seen some pretty
frightening things in your time. What was the most frightening? |
| Silly |
Being stuck in a mini-bus next to Dale
Harrison just after he’s consumed a four pack of baked beans. |
| Tennis |
Not just frightening Gilly, but life
threatening too!! Computer, how does that horror story score? (‘Bing bong’ as a huge ‘7’
flashes onto the scoreboard). Graham, your parrot like renditions of your
lifetime batting averages excluded, what’s the most frightening thing you can think
of? |
| Cakey |
Malc Swann’s map reading Skills, or
lack of them. |
| Tennis |
Good answer. That scores 17. That means
that you, Matt, must score at least 12 or more to take this first round. Youngstar family,
stand by. Over to you, MC. |
| Rebel |
I don’t know about you Des, but
Malc Swann’s dress sense scares the s##t out of me!! |
| Elbow |
Looks like old Swanny is coming in for a
bit of stick tonight. But will he get the last laugh by winning this first game?
Let’s see. Computer. What does that piece of abuse score? ('10'
flashes on to the scoreboard). Just short’ I’m afraid. (Groans of disappointment from audience). But let’s
see what the Youngstar family can do. (Fez bounds across studio,
whipping up audience in to a wild frenzy). So, Kez, as by far the oldest
person here tonight, you must have seen some pretty frightening things over the centuries.
What’s your suggested answer? |
| Chaos |
No doubt about it, Des, it has to be
Gilly’s singing. (He’s f##king
dead!! Ed.) |
| Elbow |
Let’s see what that scores.
‘Ping’. Only 5. Dick, what frightens you? |
| Silver Fox |
Exercise (Roars
of laughter from audience by now illegally high on drugs and anything else you can think
of). |
| Fez |
That maybe so, but it’s not quite
the answer we were looking for. So, Dick, what is the second most frightening thing to
you? |
| Fox
‘n’ hounds |
Kev mason’s physiotherapy bill. (More bellowing from studio audience, as Mason pulls yet another
hamstring). |
| Fez |
That scores 15. Not bad, but will it be
enough? Bill, you need 29 points to win. What’s your answer? |
| Banjo |
‘And did those feet, in ancient
times.......’ |
|
Audience, on verge of
hyperventilation, flee in droves to retain what sanity they have left as show comes to an
abrupt halt. |
|
The
End |