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Are you
the club arsehole?
Find out, in this short
questionnaire type thing.
You arrive at the
ground for the match. Do you
- Get changed and enjoy a bit of
practice.
- Stand around, awaiting
instructions from the captain.
- March out to the wicket, stuff
your car keys down any cracks, and announce ‘It’ll turn square, skip, and the
good news is that my spinning finger has healed’.
You are watching some
young boys playing on the edge of the boundary. Do you
- Amble over and suggest they try
to hit through the line with a straight bat
- Just let the enjoy the thrill of
trying to hit the ball as far as possible.
- Barge in on their game, force
them to hit on the off side only and make them both cry when you hit their bare shins with
your quicker ball.
You come into bat. Do
you
- Take guard and have a quick look
around before setting down to bat.
- Don’t bother with a guard,
and just use the biggest mark on the crease.
- Ask for the sight-screen to be
moved for the first time this season, take guard, prod down the slightest blemish on the
wicket, and then call for a ludicrous single off your first delivery, causing the run out
of the other batsman.
The first four balls
of your first over go for 4, 6, 6, and 4. Do you
- Admire the batsmen for his
exemplary hitting.
- Laugh at your own incompetence.
- Berate short third man for not
standing in a one saving position, tell the captain you should be on from the other end,
and warn the non-striker for backing up.
You are doing a stint
of umpiring. Do you
- Limit yourself to trying to count
to 6 regularly, and no giving a plum LBW as the batter is in your Fantasy XI.
- Give any decision as you see it,
regardless of the match position.
- No ball the bowler for not
informing you of his action, warn him for running on the pitch (even though here’s
wearing a pair of Dunlop Greenflash), and signal one short when the batsman reaches 50.
Score your answers as follows.
- 5 points
- 10 points
- 20 points
25-30 points : You are a joy to play with. A good
team man who plays with the right level of competitiveness.
35-50 points : You don’t take the game
seriously enough. If you want to piss about, go and play for the Bold dragoon. This game
of cricket is a serious business.
55-100 points : Have you any idea how much your team
mates hate you? They can’t bear to be with you and pray you’re going to be
poleaxed by a bouncer. Do you know why you found Deap Heat sprayed on the inside of you
box? Keep well away from the club bar-b-cue - they’ve got plans!!
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