We at St Michael's are always more than happy to steal a good idea and leap onto the latest bandwagon. So here we introduce our own Fantasy Cricket League.

You have £10,000 to spend, a handsome sum, I’m sure you’ll agree, so be sure to spend it wisely.

Once you have bought a squad of 11 players, had them sobered up and coached by some old, toothy fart from, say, The Saints, you are ready to start collecting points, based on the following rules.

• Every time a player scores 50 runs, he is awarded 4 points
• A century is worth 10 points
• A double figure innings score gets 1 point, but take 2 off for a duck
• You get 2 points for every wicket a bowler takes
• Hitting an opponent (with ball, bat or fist) loses a point
• As does a dropped catch
• A player caught rearranging his wedding tackle gets 2 points
• This goes up to 3 points for nose picking, swearing, or giving the umpire the finger when he isn’t looking
• Lose 2 points for a bad haircut
• Any team that fields a baldy slap-head gets an additional 2 points
• Lose 3 points for saying ‘Come on Saints, let’s get horny’, ‘Hunt up’, ‘Come on you seconds’, or anything else imported from Birchfield Road East
• Loud underpants gain1 point
• Saying anything with ‘Now’ at the end gains 2 points
• Lose 10 points for chucking up in a minibus
• Being able to play the banjo gains you 4 points
• Being Town League Cricketer of the Year – 10 points
• Faking a bad knee or pulled hamstring when bowling crap, lose 4 points
• Being able to recite ‘The court of King Caracticus’ gains 3 points
• Etc. etc.….