On news of the move leaking, shares in St Michael’s on the London Stock Exchange immediately rocketed, with traders scrambling madly, chasing what few shares that were available with increasing desperation.

The formula for the new league hasn’t been disclosed, but we at SMR can exclusively reveal the criteria being sought by the organisers.

• A ground with a capacity for 35,000 spectators, half under cover. If not attainable, Kingsthorpe Rec. will do with a couple of extra benches.
• A pavilion with changing rooms, power showers, secure lockers, together with restaurant/bar facilities. Alternatively, a knackered old tent will suffice.
• A pitch that meets the requirements of a test match wicket, with a true, even bounce, that can be prepared throughout the year to the highest of standards. On the other hand, a clapped out piece of grass with pigeon shit and doggy doo liberally spread around will do.
• Players of the highest calibre are required, with a minimum of 5 having had Test Match experience. Teams without the required numbers of quality players may field old donkeys such as Kev Mason.

St Michael’s have been allocated a guaranteed place in the league, subject to meeting the above criteria. Skipper Matt ‘Aren’t I gorgeous ?’ Collier was in ebullient mood, adding ‘Which goes better with these turquoise trousers ? This checked shirt of that cerise polo-neck ?’.